On the Brink: The Real Work of Discernment Counseling
There’s a certain kind of stuck that doesn’t get talked about enough.
Not the kind where you’re fighting all the time, or the kind where everything has clearly fallen apart. But the quieter kind—where one of you is already halfway out the door, emotionally or mentally. And the other one is still clinging to what you used to have, trying to figure out if there's any way to get back to it.
That’s the space discernment counseling was made for.
But this isn’t therapy in the way most people think of it. It’s not about fixing everything or promising a happy ending. It’s about slowing way down, getting really honest, and figuring out what path forward makes the most sense for each of you—so you’re not making the biggest decision of your life in a cloud of confusion, anger, or fear.
Discernment is not just “couples counseling lite”
One of the biggest misunderstandings I hear is that discernment counseling is like regular couples therapy, just shorter or more focused. But here’s the truth: discernment is a totally different kind of conversation.
Because when you’re not even sure if you want to stay in the relationship, you can’t really do the deep repair work yet. You need to know whether you’re both even willing to do that work.
Discernment counseling gives you the space to name that ambivalence. It’s structured to help you explore—not decide right away—but really look at what’s been happening, what each of you has contributed, and what would need to change to either make the relationship stronger or end it with clarity and respect.
And it’s not a forever thing. It’s usually just 1 to 5 sessions. Just enough to step out of the cycle and into some real reflection.
Who’s discernment counseling really for?
This kind of work is especially helpful when:
One of you feels mostly out, and the other wants to fight for it.
You’ve had the “Should we separate?” talk (maybe more than once), but nothing’s changed.
Therapy feels premature, but doing nothing feels dangerous.
You want to be able to look back—even if the relationship ends—and know you handled it with integrity.
And let me just say: I’ve sat with countless couples in this space. It’s raw. It’s tender. It’s complicated. And it takes so much courage to show up, especially when the future feels uncertain. But I’ve also seen what’s possible when people choose honest clarity over quiet drifting.
What you won’t find in a brochure
Here’s the part that doesn’t get said enough:
Sometimes discernment counseling helps people realize they do want to stay and work on things. And the repair that happens after that decision is so much more grounded and mutual because both partners chose it freely—not out of pressure, panic, or guilt.
Other times, it becomes clear that the relationship has run its course. That realization is painful, yes—but it’s also something else: freeing. Because now you know. And you can move forward with dignity, instead of dragging out the pain for months or years, hoping it resolves itself.
I’ve even seen couples who choose to separate walk away with more understanding, kindness, and respect than they had when they were together. That’s the power of clarity.
So when should you reach out?
If any of this sounds familiar—if you’re on the edge of a decision but not ready to leap—this is the time.
If you’re lying awake wondering how much longer you can stay.
If you feel like you’re carrying the weight of the whole relationship.
If you can’t tell whether what’s broken is temporary… or permanent.
If part of you still hopes for repair, but the other part is getting tired of hurting.
Don’t wait for things to fall apart completely. The earlier you come in, the more choice you actually have.
Why I’m the right person to walk this with you
I’ve been doing this work with couples for over a decade, and I’m one of the longest-standing certified discernment counseling experts in Washington state.
But more than the credentials, I’ve lived through the real highs and lows of long-term partnership myself. I’ve walked with couples through their darkest seasons, and I’ve seen firsthand how even the most painful crossroads can lead to growth, healing, and clarity.
What I bring to this work is a deep understanding of both the emotional weight and the practical complexity of these decisions. I’m not here to push an outcome. I’m here to help you find your own truth—together or apart—and walk forward with your integrity intact.
So if you're reading this and feeling the weight of not knowing, know this: you don’t have to figure it all out alone. And you don’t have to rush a decision just to escape the discomfort.
Let’s slow it down. Get honest. And find a way forward you won’t regret.