Why “Can We Talk?” Doesn’t Work (And What To Do Instead)

Imagine this:

You come home after a long day, and the second you walk through the door, your partner hits you with:

“Hey, we need to talk”

No warning. No check-in. No sense of what they’re about to say or wondering if you’re in the right headspace to have this conversation right now… cue instant dread!

Or maybe it’s the opposite.

You’re sitting on the couch wanting to tell your partner about something that’s weighing on you. But you hold back because you assume they’re too tired… or that they’ll shut you down… or that it’ll start another fight. So you say nothing, again.

Sound familiar?

Most couples I work with stumble into these moments without realizing they’re breaking one of the most important rules for healthy connection: Consent.

What Most Couples Get Dead Wrong About Consent

When people hear “consent,” they often think of sex… and yes, sexual consent is vital! But the idea goes so much deeper.

In relationships, every point of connection, from a tender hug to a hard conversation, runs smoother, safer, and more successful when we both give and receive consent.

The problem is: most of us don’t slow down enough to check in with ourselves or our partner first.

We assume our partner should want to talk, listen, give, help, touch, or share, and if they don’t, it feels personal. Or we assume they can’t handle it, so we shut down our own needs.

When we don’t ask for or offer clear consent, small moments of care and repair become moments of hurt, dismissal, or resentment.

What Happens Without Consent

Here are a few real-life moments you might recognize:

💥 The blindsided fight

You bring up a hard topic the second it pops into your head… your partner shuts down or snaps back… you feel rejected… they feel attacked… you both walk away hurt and less likely to try again.

🧊 The secret simmer

You want to ask for comfort or connection but you assume it’ll be “too much” or “not a good time,” so you don’t… you build quiet resentment… you grow more disconnected.

💔 The self-betrayal

You say “sure” when you mean “not right now”… you give energy you don’t have, you feel annoyed, drained, or checked out… your partner senses it and feels guilty or confused.

This Tiny Scale Changes Everything

Enter: The Consent Scale.

This is one of my absolute top secret relationship tips, except it shouldn’t be a secret, so you’re getting it here for free.

Instead of seeing consent as an all or nothing yes or no, you check where you actually land on a scale. Then you say it out loud.

Here’s the scale I teach:

1️⃣ Enthusiastic — Hell yes. I want this. Let’s go.

2️⃣ Willing — I’m open. Not fireworks, but I’m here for it.

3️⃣ Tolerating — I can… but I’d rather not. I’m more meh and doing this more for you than me.

4️⃣ Enduring — I don’t want this at all. I’d be forcing myself.

Why Black-and-White Consent Doesn’t Always Work

Real life is messy.

You’re tired, stressed, touched out, bracing for a work call. Or your partner wants to talk about your mother. Or they reach for your body when you’re still reeling from that stupid text they sent yesterday.

Without the scale, you have two options:

✅ Say yes, even when you don’t mean it.

❌ Say no, and risk the other person feeling rejected or shut down.

Or worse: Freeze. Fake it. Resent it.

Sound familiar? It should. This is how so many little “meh” moments snowball into “how did we get here?”

What Changes When You Use The Consent Scale

When you check where you really are, and when you tell your partner, everything gets clearer cause you make space for and honor the real middle ground most of us actually live in.

The Consent Scale turns:

• “Sure, whatever…” into “I’m a 3, can we do this later?”

• “We need to talk.” into “Hey, I want to talk about something you said to me yesterday that kinda hurt my feelings. Where are you at for that right now?”

• “You never touch me anymore…” into “How’s your body for this tonight? What number are you?”

It’s one tiny tool that stops you from bracing and guessing.

It’s how you stop enduring each other, and start choosing each other.

It’s a check-in that stops guesswork and makes real yes’s possible.

Real Life Consent Scale Scenes

🍕 Date Night, Ruined or Rescued

It’s Friday. You order pizza. Your partner says, “We need to talk about your spending.”

Cool, goodbye appetite.

OR:

They say, “Hey, I’d like to talk about money soon. Where’s your scale for that right now?”

You say, “Tonight? I’m a 3. I want to, but I can’t handle the full thing now.”

“Got it. Let’s table it till Sunday. Pass the garlic knots?”

Nobody fights. Nobody storms off. Pizza still tastes good.

🛏️ Late Night Spiral or Sweet Honesty

You’re in bed, half asleep. Your partner rolls over: “Are we okay? I feel distance.”

Cue panic.

You’re exhausted. They’re spiraling. Nobody sleeps.

OR:

They say, “Hey, I feel some distance. Where are you at for talking about it now?”

You say, “I’m a 2, I can handle a short check-in, but I’d be better tomorrow.”

They say, “Okay. Can I get a quick ‘I love you’ tonight and we’ll dig deeper over breakfast?”

You kiss. You sleep. The world keeps turning.

How to Actually Do It

1️⃣ Pause. Before you vent, ask for sex, dump a feeling, or ask for a favor.

2️⃣ Check your own number. Where am I on the scale for this?

3️⃣ Ask theirs. “Hey, where’s your scale for this right now?”

4️⃣ Adjust. If someone’s a 1 or 2, green light. If you’re at a 3 or 4, pause, tweak the plan, or table it.

5️⃣ Name what would raise your number. Maybe you need a snack. Or reassurance. Or twenty minutes alone. Name it.

What to Do Next

So what happens once you know your number, or theirs?

✅ If you’re both 1–2: Green light! Dive in. Connect. Do the thing.

✅ If you or they are a 3: Pause, then get curious. Ask yourself or each other what might help shift it up (more time, reassurance, a hug, sleep, food, quiet time first etc).

✅ If it’s a 4: Stop. Honor it. Don’t force it. See if there’s a way to adjust something to bump your numbers up, or park is and plan for another time if not.

This is how you stop enduring each other, and start choosing each other.

Why Consent Works

You can’t control your partner’s mood.

You can’t force timing.

But you CAN stop blindsiding each other and start checking in.

The Consent Scale doesn’t make you perfect, it makes you honest. It builds safety for the hard stuff and the tender stuff.

It replaces bracing with bonding. It replaces quiet resentment with clear trust.

One tiny pause that changes everything.

Consent is How Connection Actually Gets Safer

If you’ve ever wondered:

How do we keep our spark?

How do we stop feeling like we’re just roommates or co-parents or polite strangers?

How do we fix the same fight we keep having?

This is one way. It’s not a magic bullet, but it’s damn close.

The Consent Scale is how you say:

I see you. I hear you. I want you to want this too.

It’s how you make sure you’re not just getting an autopilot yes, but an honest yes.

Or an honest no, that feels safe enough to say.

One of My Top Secrets, But it’s Yours Now

I’ve spent more than a decade helping couples untangle the messiest hurts and find their way back to each other. This scale is one of my favorite “secret” tools, because it works. Every time.

No guessing. No pretending. No enduring what should be chosen.

You deserve that. Your partner does too.

So take it. Use it. Send this to someone you love.

Your future selves will thank you.

Ready to Take This Deeper?

If you want more than a blog post… if you want real practice, real tools, real guidance for turning this scale into everyday connection, I’m here.

I’m Kimberly Slagle, LMFT, and for 12+ years I’ve helped couples stop bracing for fights and start building honest, lasting connection.

Let’s make your relationship the safest place it can be. Reach out today.